From Stress to Success: Rethinking Parenting Problem-Solving

My friend was no help. I have about eight weeks of parenting experience and am on the phone with her searching for answers about the mysteries of nap time. She is rich with baby experience as her child has survived almost 102 weeks of her parenting. But on this call, she’s no help. She claims she doesn’t remember the daily tracking of morning and afternoon naps from the first few months. I didn’t believe her. How could her memory not hold the disturbance of a crying baby? How can she have forgotten the desperate need to know when the child will sleep? I actually entertained the idea she was holding out on me. Sure, she was a dear friend but if you can’t help me in my hour of need, what’s the point?

Looking back, I could have done more to acknowledge my own fatigue. My partner and I often quoted the line we’d seen posted on another parent’s refrigerator line: Fatigue Makes Everything Worse. Knowing that you are tired, knowing that however bad this moment is, rest will help make it easier, is all fine and good. But, I needed help NOW! I was stressing out.

Bringing in Bing’s artificially intelligent search results for deeper context here:

The stress system is a complex physiological response that helps the body adapt to new situations and cope with stressors. It involves the release of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which increase heart rate, blood pressure, and energy levels . In the short term, stress can be beneficial as it helps you react to situations and build resilience . However, chronic stress can have negative effects on your physical and mental health .

I knew I was stressed, my baby needed something and I couldn’t figure out how to provide it. I couldn’t make her sleep. I could, however, get sleep myself when she finally did take a nap. I don’t remember what my friend shared in our phone call but I clearly remember the advice “sleep when the baby sleeps.” The best advice for my stressed, tired, anxious, wanting-to-do-it-right new mom life was to take care of myself. I’m sure that was what my friend shared with me on the phone. She didn’t need to remember any specific technique or trick for getting nap time because the baby naps when the baby naps. We can set up the best conditions to make napping more likely but we can’t control someone else. It’s the lack of control itself that leads to stress for so many of us. What I’ve learned working with parents, teachers, administrators, policymakers, etc. is that I can control what I bring to the conversation. I can control what outcomes I want to see from a meeting. I cannot make the outcomes happen because I cannot control others. But when I come prepared, when I understand what role I can provide and what goal I’m seeking, I’m more likely to see success.

When it comes to solving problems, often the first step needed is to identify what is actually the problem. Yes, that phone call with my friend was about sleep. But the problem wasn’t the baby getting sleep. It was my need for sleep. Once I saw that as the problem to solve, I could move forward with a variety of ideas. How can you look at a problem that’s got you calling someone for help and get at the core issue? If you’re comfortable, share it with me. My problem-solving efforts can always use new material.